Moon Over Pittsburgh

Dear UPMC;

Let's talk, shall we?

I understand how these things happen.  You start out, all noble and non-profity, and things go along swell for decades.

But then, an expansion here, a hostile takeover there, a cost-cutting move from Jello-brand gelatin dessert to Royal-brand on your patients' trays -- and next thing you know, it all adds up to a $459 million-dollar profit.

So what's a non-profit to do?

I work for a non-profit, and I understand how these things work.  At the end of the year, that balance sheet has to total to zero -- meaning that big profits have to equal big payouts somewhere down the line.

And that sort of thing is what leads a non-profit into renting office space on the top floors of the priciest building in town.  And when even that doesn't consume the profits -- heck, I can understand the temptation to want to dump some money into some shameless self-promotion, like erecting your logo on the highest point Downtown.

But here's the problem.  I, like many others, happen to like our city's beautiful skyline.

Unfortunately, in the past decade-and-a-half, that skyline has become increasingly cluttered with gigantic billboards at the top of our tallest buildings.  Mellon got the ball rolling, followed by FreeMarkets (which was eventually swallowed by Ariba, whose own attempts at stamping their name to our skyline didn't work out so well), the Post-Gazette, and  God knows who else. 

I like you, UPMC.  When my myocardial decided to infark two years ago, you folks were right there to get me back on my feet.  You are our city's largest employer, and that alone would be enough to merit the respect of one and all.

It's for these reasons and more that I was thinking today that I'd just see what happened if I asked, politely, if you would kindly reconsider the gigantic logo thing.

But as I was drifting off to sleep tonight, the thought struck me -- I'm a pimple on the ass of UPMC, and I'm sure they could not possibly care less what I think of their logo.  So I thought that perhaps there was a way that I could sweeten the deal.

My first thought was that I would offer, free of charge, to host their logo on my Web site.  Dozens of people stop by daily, most of whom are searching for the lyrics to a particular Thomas the Tank Engine song, or information regarding the divorce of some squeaky-voiced guy who used to do commercials for American Equity Mortgage -- but still, an ad on my site would be a lovely, non-invasive way to get the word out about UPMC.

I then thought I'd take it a step further, and ask my fellow 'Burgh bloggers to join me.  Surely, if the UPMC logo were to adorn the lovely sites of the lovely 'Burgh bloggers over there on the right, that might equal the might of a logo on top of the U.S. Steel Building -- right?

No.  Not right.  Not even close.

And that's when it hit me.  By placing their logo atop the tallest point in the Golden Triangle, it was as if UPMC was presenting itself as our God -- to be worshipped by one and all, preferably from a prostrate position.

So...if it's supplication you want, UPMC, it's supplication you shall have.

Here's my offer.

Agree to abandon your idea of putting your logo on the building, and you, UPMC, shall have in return -- my ass.

That's right.  I'm putting my ass on the line.  I will have your logo tattooed upon my ass, in full color and in as large and as colorful a font as can possibly be managed. 

Furthermore, I will do everything in my power to ensure that my ass is seen, in as prominent a position as I can manage, in all Pittsburgh events.  Not a Great Race shall be run, not a Pirate Bobblehead Night shall pass, not a parade shall be marched and not a cake shall be funnelled without the presence of my ass.

As a man firmly entrenched in his mid-40's, the time is coming near when I shall soon be undergoing regular prostate exams.  Now tell me, UPMC, is there a proctologist within your mighty network whose heart WOULDN'T beat faster to perform his duties on a UPMC-logoed ass?  I highly doubt it.

Or, if you prefer, we could really stick it to your dwindling competition when they stick it to me.  Say the word, and I shall get my exams from some West Penn/Allegheny system doctor, who no doubt will be filled with shame at seeing the evidence of your benevolence and might displayed in such a manner.

I am inviting all other civic-minded citizens to join me in this quest.  How many asses will it take, UPMC, to get you to stop this madness?  Just give me a number, and I will find the asses.

Comments

[Cynthia Closkey]

Very persuasive. I pledge my posterior to the cause too.

[Julie]

I would volunteer my bum to the cause if I hadn't already signed a deal with Tunesmith & Anthony (T&A).

[Disgruntled Tool-Room Clerk]

I'll do it, too, on the grounds that UPMC CEO Jeffrey Romoff gets lip prints tattooed on his ass.

After all, Pittsburgh has been kissing it for years.

[Cathy]

If you get the UPMC tattoo across your forehead rather than your ass, that will eliminate your need for a hair transplant. Just a thought... kind of a "two-fer."

[Jaye]

I realize I'm a year and a half late, but just read your article. I'd donate my rearend but I just laughed my ass off. Good Stuff. BUT, they didn't even put up all the letters. It was UP_C or U_MC or something very tacky. Funny thing is I was driving past Mercy Hospital yesterday, which they just recently bought and the U and P are missing from that logo so now the hospital logo reads...MC MERCY! You should take a drive by it. Pick up the CEO on your way.